when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
