your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
