Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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