If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
