I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
