what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
