quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
