Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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