Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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