U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
