You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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