highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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