I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
