i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
