He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also, beer. Big fan.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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