Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
