If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
