Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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