Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
