I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
