The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
