I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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