I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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