we have officially lost it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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