There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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