dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
