I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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