Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
