I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
