Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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