I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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