nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
