you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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