Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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