chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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