my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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