i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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