just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
