She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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