totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
