i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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