Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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