It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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