Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
