I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
