Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
