found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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