my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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