I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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