There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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