Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
